Desperation is not a good color on me.

Hey guys,

This is gonna get deep tonight. I am going to talk about my love life, or lack thereof. It’s been a rough year for my love life, and I’m just gonna start at the beginning. If you’re one of the people who actually knows me, you’ll find out a lot you probably don’t know, because as you know, I don’t talk about deep, personal stuff with many people; and yet here I am sharing it on the internet for all these random strangers.

I met T in March at a young adults group at a church. I instantly knew I liked him. How? Why? I don’t really know, but I liked him enough from that initial meeting for him to make into my journal the next day. He is adorable, funny, smart, and just an all around awesome guy. I harbored a crush on him for a few months before I finally told him about liking him. It was a rough few months because I couldn’t read his signals and I was head over heels for this guy, which hasn’t happened since high school. Anyway, so when I finally told him I liked him we talked about it, and basically he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that we had so much going for both of us that it wasn’t a good time. I was fine with this, I finally am sort of over him, or at least not expecting anything ever. This is the guy who I mentioned in my first blog post who is dating someone else.

Oh, and in the process of obsessing over him, I revealed something about my breakup with M, in high school. I had just started my junior year and I was on the fire department, I ended up going on a Dead on Arrival (DOA) call at a dirt bike race track for a guy who was only about a year older than me. It was devastating to me. I later found out my that my dad had told my mom at some point that it was something he thought I needed to experience (he was on the fire department too). Anyway, so I was depressed for awhile after that. I reached out to R who was also on the fire department, a little bit older than me, and having had similar experiences. I was hoping he could help me cope with this. Anyway, M was super supportive during this time and I did gradually get back to being happier. Early in the year we talked about dating and since we were in high school, what we had missed or felt like we had missed. I have to be honest, it was just me being restless, M was an amazing boyfriend. He told me at one point that he had partied and gotten drunk with his friends a lot. I was really weirded out by this, so I sort of withdrew and again sought comfort with R. Long story short, I ended up kissing R, M told me he had lied to me about the whole thing, and I told M about R and we broke up. M told my brother about me kissing R, which my brother in turn told my mom, who in turn asked me about it (she woke me up from my nap) and I lied to her. M then wrote her several letters about it and made it into a huge deal. I was already lying about it so I just sort of kept that up. I recently told my mom the truth, which was a huge relief, and not that big of a deal, even though it had felt like one in high school. I promise this story has relevance later.

So I went off to work at a summer camp. There I met a cute, charming, funny, sort of jerky guy. He acted less weird around me, and I’m not the only one who saw it. After T had sent my emotional walls tumbling down, I was vulnerable and I started to like this guy and think, “Maybe a relationship wouldn’t be that bad after all”. I have been single for over two years, if that clarifies anything. We flirted and cuddled, because oddly enough that happens at camp. He tried to kiss me at one point, I wouldn’t let him because I didn’t want to get hurt. We ended up talking about it and basically he told me that he didn’t want to be emotional involved if there weren’t physical rewards, which I was not okay with. We both moved on with our lives, but it was still disappointing. His back story did help me understand why he was the way he was. He reminded me that I never know exactly what people have been through and what might be going on in their lives, something I constantly have to remind myself.

Now to the current segment of my not so awesome love life. I signed up for a dating site. Yeah, I know, sort of weird, but whatever. I felt lonely because I don’t have a huge crowd of friends, which is fine because the friends I do have are freaking amazing. I initiated contact with this pretty cute guy, and we chatted a bit, eventually deciding to meet. We met at the zoo (one of my favorite places ever) and we had a really good time. This guy, A, sort of reminds me of Wreck-It Ralph, in that he is solidly built, is adorable, and was wearing a red shirt the first time we met. At this point my emotional walls are still down, so I am still easy prey to my girly feelings. He called me cute (in the cutest way EVER!), we talked about life, God, death, and his family. I will forever have imprinted in my brain when he talked about his brother, and how he influenced him to be one of the nice guys in high school, because you never know what people are going through. Remember what I wrote about Camp Guy? Yep, one of those things that I remind myself over and over again. In that moment, standing by the lemur enclosure, he made his way into my heart. Now, I’m not saying I fell in love with him on our first meeting. I don’t think I’m in love with him at all, but maybe in like. There’s a song about that by the way, Who Knows by Natasha Bedingfield. From there we kept talking and hung out a little bit more, though it wasn’t as great as that first day. I honestly don’t know what happened after that. We agreed that we liked each other, he then told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship, and we were going to be just friends. Well friends, I was okay with that, but not with the fact that he basically began to ignore me and send me one word texts. So I confessed/word vomited that I liked him more than I thought I was going to, and I was struggling with not seeing him or really talking to him, and that I wasn’t trying to change anything, I just needed to tell him how I felt. I also told him I didn’t want to bother him so I would leave him alone. He never responded. I still haven’t texted him. I did forget to tell him that I deleted my profile because I met him. And now here I am, back at square one, and still dreaming about him (silly brain!) and still wanting to text him and make sure that he knows when he’s ready, I’ll still be here.

I don’t think love is something grand and extravagant, I think it’s found in those quiet moments, in those whispers, in those unknown connections. Those are my favorite. I also think love, and attraction in general, requires a certain strength. Strength to put up with the hard moments, to be a rock for a loved one, to never give up on anyone, and sometimes, to walk away because they aren’t ready for you in their life. I am constantly thankful for my loved ones, for the people in my life who know my flaws and love me anyway, for those who know that sometimes I have to act like a little kid to be able to handle life, for those who show me what love really is. Love comes from God, and I cannot fathom how much He loves me, but I am indescribably overjoyed that He has put people in my life who can give me a glimpse of that.

Well peeps, I’m about out of words. Thanks for reading guys.

Always,

-M

P.S. My hips don’t lie. If they tell you that I like food, particularly cookie dough, they are telling the truth.

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