Masquerade

I’m sitting here looking at my masquerade masks.

What would it be like to go through life with a mask on? Do you ever wonder how the Phantom of the Opera felt constantly having to wear a mask? It must be something that is hard to do, but do we do it to ourselves? I think we all do it, not physical masks, but emotional and mental ones for our separate reasons. I know I have masks I put on. But what is the difference between a mask and a hat? Again, not a physical hat, but more of what role we play in certain situations. I wear my social worker hat when I am working in the field, if I’m going into a school, visiting a client, or talking in court, those are all different hats and roles that I have. I have a role as a student, an employee, a daughter, a friend, which all manifest slightly differently. But what about the masks? My masks are mainly ones to keep people at bay I think. I pretend I’m tough and don’t have delicate feelings, but I have very delicate feelings, at least most of the time, how I’m feeling at any given point affects how outside influences make me feel. Overall, I think the strength mask is the one I hide behind most, but at the end of the day I’m sad because it seems like my friends don’t make an effort to see me anymore, and I’m angry that someone thinks they can waltz in and out of my life at will, and I feel hopeless when I think about finding friends, or someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me, or frustrated that I procrastinate on something, there are so many different things I experience throughout the day that tend to wear on me that I pretend don’t. I’m not saying I’m that constantly happy person, in fact I’m definitely more of a pessimist, I just pretend that things don’t hurt me as much as they do. Oh, you didn’t talk to me for a few weeks? That’s fine. You weren’t there at a pivotal moment in my life? That’s okay. You had me go on that DOA call because you thought it’d be good for me? Whatever. And the thing is, I don’t think I’m the only one who does this. Where is the balance between being vulnerable and being strong? I certainly haven’t found it. I constantly am vulnerable at the wrong times, mostly when it comes to the opposite sex, and too strong at other times and don’t let the people in my life that care about me in. I’m glad people say “it’ll get better”, because while I’m a pessimist and don’t think it will, there’s that small part of me that whispers, “they’re right, it will get better”. Better for me looks like a million different things, but I think balance is a huge factor, not just when it comes to strength and vulnerability, but in every aspect of my life, some I have worked out and some I definitely don’t. 

Guys, I’m sorry that sometimes I don’t know when to remove my mask.

Always,

-M

P.S. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but I don’t think we can rule out that possibility for women as well.

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