Hi all! Are you ready for my random ramblings?
I was recently able to go home for the holidays after moving away, which I loved! I did get my wisdom teeth out two days before Christmas, but whatever, it’s done and over with, so yay to that. It was hard coming back though, which was surprising because when I embarked on this adventure, while it was hard to get on the plane to travel to a big city and volunteer at job I knew very little about and live with people I had never met, it was so much harder coming back with the knowledge that I have gathered in the past few months of being here. Why? Why was the known harder than the unknown? Isn’t the unknown scarier than certainty? Apparently not in this case. The unknown represented the chance to get out of a small town I had been in all my life, and meet new people in a brand new city! The known on the other hand offered certainty of the struggles of working everyday at a job that isn’t my favorite, and the aspects of intentional community that sometimes just aren’t fun. It was hard to leave my family after Christmas knowing that I will be here for another seven months and be doing the exact same thing day in and day out (I don’t get that expression, but whatever). After settling in again for a few days, I am glad that I didn’t listen to that small voice in my head that tempted me not to come back to the big city, live with five other people, and do a job that I know won’t be something I want to do in the future. I do like the people I live with, and was very excited to see them, but living with people is very hard, at least with my parents I know all their quirks and oddities and they have come to annoy me less over the years. I also like my job overall, though there are definitely days that are much harder than others. For those of you who don’t know what I’m doing, or I’ve just neglected to say because it’s hard to keep up with my blog when I write so little now, I am working at a soup kitchen of sorts, but it is also a social services agency and helps homeless individuals with vital documents, housing, and other things with the end goal of ending chronic homelessness in mind. I have the title of “Case Manager”, which means that I get to help people with their needs, whatever they might be. I learned in my internship last year that direct practice is hard for me, because it feels like I know so little of the world, yet people are asking me to know so much and give them guidance on whatever it is that they need guidance on, so I knew going into this year that I wouldn’t necessarily be overjoyed about going to work everyday, and I was right. I do feel more purpose in going to a job that serves people than a job where I’m filing and scanning papers, because that is overly mundane, so when I wake up and feel like taking a “mental health day”, I don’t do it as often as I used to. And now I think my rambling has come to an end about the fact that my job isn’t really what I want to be doing in the world, though I’m not really sure what it is that I want to be doing, and that living with people is hard, but I don’t regret my decision to participate in this year and stick it out. I do have to find a way to invest myself more thoroughly than I am because a year in my life doesn’t seem like a long time and I apparently have a hard time attaching with a determined amount of time.
I am looking forward to meeting the sunrise in August when it’s time for me to go home and start something new in my life, while I leave behind a beautiful sunset that was this year of love, friendship, compassion, justice, hurt, healing, and all sorts of other vibrant things.
P.S. I got more socks for Christmas…surprise!