The Practice of Life

Hey all,

Hope your Thursday went well!

Today I’m going to write about motivation and adventures, maybe also a little bit about the mundane.

Some days it is work to get myself out of bed for work. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that working at Target isn’t fulfilling to me, and it’s utterly exhausting physically, so some days it’s truly difficult to get myself to go to work. I called in the other day, and I was feeling fine, other than being exhausted because I had just worked eight days in a row. I don’t call in if I’m feeling fine, I might call in when I could probably work but don’t feel great, but I don’t call in just because. Except I did last week, and I only feel a little guilty about it. I mostly feel bad because if I do it once, I might do it again, and I’m not that person and have never wanted to be that person. It takes practice and determination to get yourself to work some days, which I’m sure some of you can relate to.

In aspects outside of work, I don’t do so great. This kind of goes along the lines of yesterday’s blog, and re-inventing myself, but in a less grand way. I have to get back into the practice of caring for my body by eating right, exercising, and other general health stuff. I’ve chosen to start with flossing and using mouthwash every night. They say a habit takes two weeks to make and two days to break. I’ve been at my oral hygiene routine for two weeks, and I hope to continue it. I’m also trying to learn Spanish again, I took three years of it in high school and most of it didn’t stick. I still have “Puedo ir el bano? y como se dice _____?” So yeah, not much really stuck. All of the tiny baby steps I’m taking in my life to develop these practices is to make me healthier, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I’m having a hard time motivating myself and putting into practice daily life giving habits, such as blogging. I’ve done it for a few days in a row, but that could easily be derailed by a super late bedtime or hanging out with a friend. In general I’m just trying to make my life a little bit more interesting than wake up, go to work, come home, and veg on the couch for the rest of the night before going to bed, and then starting the process all over in the morning.

Life takes practice, even in the mundane things, like flossing.

Always,

-M

P.S. Rose scented candles will always make me think of rainy nights during my volunteer year.

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A New Year, A New You

Hi all,

I hope you all had an amazing Wednesday, or at least made it through.

I’m trying to get back into the habit of blogging once a day, or at the very least once a week, that does leave me with a large amount of material to cover, and some days I don’t feel super inspired, so I was thinking I would pick a quote from one of my Pinterest boards and write about what it means to me and why it speaks to me. And, no, this doesn’t have anything to do with the new year.

“There is no statute of limitations on starting over. Re-invent yourself every day. Be the girl who walks barefoot and listens to the blues. Tomorrow, wear a trench coat and speak fierce truths. Be a phoenix. Be ashes. Burn down. Resurrect. Let go of the idea that you must always be who you have always been.”

I’m not sure where exactly this originated from, like I said, I found it on Pinterest. I did find somewhere that said Coalsuns, whoever that is, is to be credited for it. Whoever wrote it, I appreciate your words and how they resound within my soul.

I have never really had a style of dress, or not one that people distinctly associate me with, and sometimes I struggle with that. I have many friends who do have their own style of dress, and when I see something I think they would wear I instantly think of them. One of my closest friends is on the border line of hipster and casually classy, and it’s amazing! I absolutely adore her style, but I could never pull it off the way she does. I generally wear a t-shirt and jeans because that’s what I’m comfortable in, but it’s a pretty mundane style that doesn’t draw attention to me. I do have the clothes I rarely wear, like a trench coat or some big, black boots. Sometimes I’ll wear makeup and do my hair and wear high heels, and sometimes I’ll wear leggings and a pull over, but mostly I’m pretty unadventurous and wear my plain old t-shirt and jeans. I like trying a different style, because it’s a part of me that isn’t the part that wants to be invisible and that wants to not draw attention to herself. I dress for me when I try a different look, I don’t dress for anybody else.

This quote has so much more to do with dressing differently though. It inspires me to be me, in all my weirdness, and to not regret the decisions I’ve made in my life. I am a new person every day, I might not feel like it, but we’re constantly learning and changing. There are 24 hours in which a person interacts with the world around them, and in those 24 hours all kinds of things can change. Every day might not feel different, trust me, I know they don’t, but they are. We have so many opportunities to re-invent ourselves and to decide who we really want to be. I don’t want to be a pessimist. Is that something I have total control over? No, I don’t, but I can change my thinking and my initial reactions to situations. One of the best examples is how I view other women. I grew up in a protestant church, where premarital sex is viewed as a sin, so that’s how I viewed it for a long time. As a result of that view point, I had a hard time reacting positively to my sexual urges, which are totally natural. Another byproduct of that is my view of women, and men, who weren’t in committed relationships and were having sex, I viewed them as sluts or manwhores. As I grew and learned, particularly through college and my volunteer year, I became a feminist and as a feminist I have to respect many of the choices my peers make, even if I would not necessarily make those choices myself. I still constantly have to correct my thinking when I see a woman with a man and my mind automatically assumes she sleeps around. I don’t do it just with women, but I tend to pick up on that more than I do with men.

I am re-inventing myself every day. I want to be kinder and more compassionate, I want to be bolder and more adventurous, and I just want to be the best self I can be, with all of my different facets and quirks.

Always,

-M

P.S. My favorite thing about working at Target is the people watching. One day a little girl was talking to her mom about whether she wanted to look at toys or food and she says, “food is better than toys”. I heartily agree with her.

Squid Goals

Hey all,

Yes, I did mean to write, “squid goals”, not “squad goals”. I’m still trying to figure out what squad goals really are, I might be fairly  young, but the vernacular of my generation and the generations younger than me is occasionally confusing.

Anyway, I was at work today and I have a lot of time to think there since it’s Target and it doesn’t take much brain power, mostly just physical energy, and I was thinking about friends. Now those of you who know me know that I’m a pretty quiet person when I meet new people, and that I don’t have a ton of friends. Both of these have remained true throughout my life and look to remain true in the future. I love all of my friends dearly, and wouldn’t trade them for the world, because when I do make friends, I like to keep them for life. My best friend and I have been friends for 17 years, which is a really long time considering we’re in our mid-twenties, and I’m so excited to see what future years hold.

I have a great group of friends, but I don’t have a friend group. I don’t have that group that always hangs out, throws parties for peoples’ birthdays, has fun adventures together, and just has a ton of fun. I have individual friends who are all wonderful, but spread across the country, or just haven’t really met because there are different circumstances in which we met. I had a friend group in high school, we were the smart kids who made fun of everybody else. I had a friend group during my volunteer year, mainly because we lived together, but still, it was a group that I regularly had adventures with and shared our highs and lows together. I really enjoy having a friend group, and I miss the community that comes with that. I’m hoping if I actually get my life together and motivate myself enough to go to jiu jitsu I’ll have a semblance of a friend group there.

There’s an odd loneliness that can accompany not having a friend group. I’m always hanging out by myself or one-on-one, which can be fine, but I truly miss having a community in my life.

They say hind-sight is 20/20, and I think that is an excellent way to describe how I tend to look at past memories in my life. The communities I have been a part of in the past have been amazing and fun and supportive, but there are always problems. I have come to a point in my life where I try to be 100% h0nest with my close friends, and I have a hard time imagining I would be able to do that in a group setting. I’m exceedingly grateful that I have the amazing people I do in my life, and I think every hurt and misstep is totally worth having them.

The distinction between a group of friends and a friend group is a fine line.

Always,

-M

P.S. Tsuro is a really fun board game, and you should all check it out!

Where Am I Going in Life?

Hey all,

I hope everyone is doing well and had a good holiday season!

My life is not where I want to be at the moment. I graduated high school and went immediately to college, just like I had planned. After that, my plans didn’t really work out, which is okay, just off-putting. If you had asked me what I would be doing at 24, I would have told you that I would be working as a case manager at a social services agency serving youth or people who have been involved in the criminal justice system. I would definitely not have told you that I’d be working at Target with very little aim for my life, just recently having broken up with my boyfriend. The plan was to graduate college, do my volunteer year and figure out what I wanted to do, start a great career, and fall in love with an amazing man. Nope, that’s not what happened.

Did you ever see Men In Black 3? Hopefully you did, because otherwise you won’t understand my point here. There’s an alien in that movie that can see a vast variety of outcomes depending on what one person does in any given situation, and I think life definitely works like that. For every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction, right? Right. There are so many variations of what can happen based on one or two decisions. I decided I wanted to date my friend of 3 years that I was living with. Did that end well? No. Why not? Because life is weird and timing can be a bitch, among many other things. Is this where I wanted to be right before I turned 24? Nope, but I’m hoping it’s where I’m supposed to be, even if it sucks right now. I’m not an optimist, so it’s hard for me to see the big picture and be okay with what’s happening around me and to me, but I think it is important to realize that a lot of things in life aren’t permanent. Am I going to work at Target forever? Hell no. Am I going to date a boy, instead of a man, next time? No, because boys are stupid, and people in general are stupid. Will I figure out what I want to do with my life? Um, yeah, I’m not so sure I will. Will I make sure I go on big adventures and not allow someone else to dictate my life? Yes, to the extent that I can. Can I join a jiu jitsu class so I can gain some more confidence? Yes, I can. There’s always something I can do to improve my life, even in a small way.

Do I know where I was going with this blog post? No, but I’m hoping you all got something out of it, even if it is just optimist crap that I’m spewing.

You got this. I got this. Hopefully we all survive 2017.

Always,

-M

P.S. Sunday Candy is a very interesting song and I don’t know why I like it so much, but go listen to it.