I Hope You Have A Good Life

Hey all,

Can you tell I’m doing really well at that whole blogging each day thing? Yeah, life gets crazy, but more often for me, it gets tiring.

Right now I’m tired of working at Target because retail is just not for me. I don’t generally feel like a valued employee, especially when they cut everyone’s hours and expect the same amount of work to get done and while I may be officially titled as a “Team Member”, I really don’t feel like part of a strong team. So I’m looking for a new job, again, which is always thrilling.

Today was one of those days when I was feeling particularly frustrated by working at Target so I wasn’t in a great mood. I was checking out an older man and of course did my regular, “have a good day”, at the end of the transaction, and he responded by telling me to have a good day as well, and then he added, “I hope you have a good life too, I’ve definitely had one.” His response almost made me cry, which is probably because I’m really tired, but also because I don’t feel like I could be living my best life. The best thing going on in my life right now is the fact that my cat seems to be gaining weight instead of losing it, and not throwing up on a daily or weekly basis. I don’t really like my job, I’m not happy about having so few friends near me, and that gets really hard. Again, I’m looking for a new job, but I’m also looking for what makes me happy and what would constitute a good life for me. I’ll let you all know what that ends up being!

I hope you all are able to find what makes life good for you!

Always,

-M

P.S. I have a pill cutter that I have never used for any of my medications, only for my cat.

The Practice of Life

Hey all,

Hope your Thursday went well!

Today I’m going to write about motivation and adventures, maybe also a little bit about the mundane.

Some days it is work to get myself out of bed for work. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that working at Target isn’t fulfilling to me, and it’s utterly exhausting physically, so some days it’s truly difficult to get myself to go to work. I called in the other day, and I was feeling fine, other than being exhausted because I had just worked eight days in a row. I don’t call in if I’m feeling fine, I might call in when I could probably work but don’t feel great, but I don’t call in just because. Except I did last week, and I only feel a little guilty about it. I mostly feel bad because if I do it once, I might do it again, and I’m not that person and have never wanted to be that person. It takes practice and determination to get yourself to work some days, which I’m sure some of you can relate to.

In aspects outside of work, I don’t do so great. This kind of goes along the lines of yesterday’s blog, and re-inventing myself, but in a less grand way. I have to get back into the practice of caring for my body by eating right, exercising, and other general health stuff. I’ve chosen to start with flossing and using mouthwash every night. They say a habit takes two weeks to make and two days to break. I’ve been at my oral hygiene routine for two weeks, and I hope to continue it. I’m also trying to learn Spanish again, I took three years of it in high school and most of it didn’t stick. I still have “Puedo ir el bano? y como se dice _____?” So yeah, not much really stuck. All of the tiny baby steps I’m taking in my life to develop these practices is to make me healthier, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I’m having a hard time motivating myself and putting into practice daily life giving habits, such as blogging. I’ve done it for a few days in a row, but that could easily be derailed by a super late bedtime or hanging out with a friend. In general I’m just trying to make my life a little bit more interesting than wake up, go to work, come home, and veg on the couch for the rest of the night before going to bed, and then starting the process all over in the morning.

Life takes practice, even in the mundane things, like flossing.

Always,

-M

P.S. Rose scented candles will always make me think of rainy nights during my volunteer year.

A New Year, A New You

Hi all,

I hope you all had an amazing Wednesday, or at least made it through.

I’m trying to get back into the habit of blogging once a day, or at the very least once a week, that does leave me with a large amount of material to cover, and some days I don’t feel super inspired, so I was thinking I would pick a quote from one of my Pinterest boards and write about what it means to me and why it speaks to me. And, no, this doesn’t have anything to do with the new year.

“There is no statute of limitations on starting over. Re-invent yourself every day. Be the girl who walks barefoot and listens to the blues. Tomorrow, wear a trench coat and speak fierce truths. Be a phoenix. Be ashes. Burn down. Resurrect. Let go of the idea that you must always be who you have always been.”

I’m not sure where exactly this originated from, like I said, I found it on Pinterest. I did find somewhere that said Coalsuns, whoever that is, is to be credited for it. Whoever wrote it, I appreciate your words and how they resound within my soul.

I have never really had a style of dress, or not one that people distinctly associate me with, and sometimes I struggle with that. I have many friends who do have their own style of dress, and when I see something I think they would wear I instantly think of them. One of my closest friends is on the border line of hipster and casually classy, and it’s amazing! I absolutely adore her style, but I could never pull it off the way she does. I generally wear a t-shirt and jeans because that’s what I’m comfortable in, but it’s a pretty mundane style that doesn’t draw attention to me. I do have the clothes I rarely wear, like a trench coat or some big, black boots. Sometimes I’ll wear makeup and do my hair and wear high heels, and sometimes I’ll wear leggings and a pull over, but mostly I’m pretty unadventurous and wear my plain old t-shirt and jeans. I like trying a different style, because it’s a part of me that isn’t the part that wants to be invisible and that wants to not draw attention to herself. I dress for me when I try a different look, I don’t dress for anybody else.

This quote has so much more to do with dressing differently though. It inspires me to be me, in all my weirdness, and to not regret the decisions I’ve made in my life. I am a new person every day, I might not feel like it, but we’re constantly learning and changing. There are 24 hours in which a person interacts with the world around them, and in those 24 hours all kinds of things can change. Every day might not feel different, trust me, I know they don’t, but they are. We have so many opportunities to re-invent ourselves and to decide who we really want to be. I don’t want to be a pessimist. Is that something I have total control over? No, I don’t, but I can change my thinking and my initial reactions to situations. One of the best examples is how I view other women. I grew up in a protestant church, where premarital sex is viewed as a sin, so that’s how I viewed it for a long time. As a result of that view point, I had a hard time reacting positively to my sexual urges, which are totally natural. Another byproduct of that is my view of women, and men, who weren’t in committed relationships and were having sex, I viewed them as sluts or manwhores. As I grew and learned, particularly through college and my volunteer year, I became a feminist and as a feminist I have to respect many of the choices my peers make, even if I would not necessarily make those choices myself. I still constantly have to correct my thinking when I see a woman with a man and my mind automatically assumes she sleeps around. I don’t do it just with women, but I tend to pick up on that more than I do with men.

I am re-inventing myself every day. I want to be kinder and more compassionate, I want to be bolder and more adventurous, and I just want to be the best self I can be, with all of my different facets and quirks.

Always,

-M

P.S. My favorite thing about working at Target is the people watching. One day a little girl was talking to her mom about whether she wanted to look at toys or food and she says, “food is better than toys”. I heartily agree with her.

Squid Goals

Hey all,

Yes, I did mean to write, “squid goals”, not “squad goals”. I’m still trying to figure out what squad goals really are, I might be fairly  young, but the vernacular of my generation and the generations younger than me is occasionally confusing.

Anyway, I was at work today and I have a lot of time to think there since it’s Target and it doesn’t take much brain power, mostly just physical energy, and I was thinking about friends. Now those of you who know me know that I’m a pretty quiet person when I meet new people, and that I don’t have a ton of friends. Both of these have remained true throughout my life and look to remain true in the future. I love all of my friends dearly, and wouldn’t trade them for the world, because when I do make friends, I like to keep them for life. My best friend and I have been friends for 17 years, which is a really long time considering we’re in our mid-twenties, and I’m so excited to see what future years hold.

I have a great group of friends, but I don’t have a friend group. I don’t have that group that always hangs out, throws parties for peoples’ birthdays, has fun adventures together, and just has a ton of fun. I have individual friends who are all wonderful, but spread across the country, or just haven’t really met because there are different circumstances in which we met. I had a friend group in high school, we were the smart kids who made fun of everybody else. I had a friend group during my volunteer year, mainly because we lived together, but still, it was a group that I regularly had adventures with and shared our highs and lows together. I really enjoy having a friend group, and I miss the community that comes with that. I’m hoping if I actually get my life together and motivate myself enough to go to jiu jitsu I’ll have a semblance of a friend group there.

There’s an odd loneliness that can accompany not having a friend group. I’m always hanging out by myself or one-on-one, which can be fine, but I truly miss having a community in my life.

They say hind-sight is 20/20, and I think that is an excellent way to describe how I tend to look at past memories in my life. The communities I have been a part of in the past have been amazing and fun and supportive, but there are always problems. I have come to a point in my life where I try to be 100% h0nest with my close friends, and I have a hard time imagining I would be able to do that in a group setting. I’m exceedingly grateful that I have the amazing people I do in my life, and I think every hurt and misstep is totally worth having them.

The distinction between a group of friends and a friend group is a fine line.

Always,

-M

P.S. Tsuro is a really fun board game, and you should all check it out!

Where Am I Going in Life?

Hey all,

I hope everyone is doing well and had a good holiday season!

My life is not where I want to be at the moment. I graduated high school and went immediately to college, just like I had planned. After that, my plans didn’t really work out, which is okay, just off-putting. If you had asked me what I would be doing at 24, I would have told you that I would be working as a case manager at a social services agency serving youth or people who have been involved in the criminal justice system. I would definitely not have told you that I’d be working at Target with very little aim for my life, just recently having broken up with my boyfriend. The plan was to graduate college, do my volunteer year and figure out what I wanted to do, start a great career, and fall in love with an amazing man. Nope, that’s not what happened.

Did you ever see Men In Black 3? Hopefully you did, because otherwise you won’t understand my point here. There’s an alien in that movie that can see a vast variety of outcomes depending on what one person does in any given situation, and I think life definitely works like that. For every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction, right? Right. There are so many variations of what can happen based on one or two decisions. I decided I wanted to date my friend of 3 years that I was living with. Did that end well? No. Why not? Because life is weird and timing can be a bitch, among many other things. Is this where I wanted to be right before I turned 24? Nope, but I’m hoping it’s where I’m supposed to be, even if it sucks right now. I’m not an optimist, so it’s hard for me to see the big picture and be okay with what’s happening around me and to me, but I think it is important to realize that a lot of things in life aren’t permanent. Am I going to work at Target forever? Hell no. Am I going to date a boy, instead of a man, next time? No, because boys are stupid, and people in general are stupid. Will I figure out what I want to do with my life? Um, yeah, I’m not so sure I will. Will I make sure I go on big adventures and not allow someone else to dictate my life? Yes, to the extent that I can. Can I join a jiu jitsu class so I can gain some more confidence? Yes, I can. There’s always something I can do to improve my life, even in a small way.

Do I know where I was going with this blog post? No, but I’m hoping you all got something out of it, even if it is just optimist crap that I’m spewing.

You got this. I got this. Hopefully we all survive 2017.

Always,

-M

P.S. Sunday Candy is a very interesting song and I don’t know why I like it so much, but go listen to it.

Scarred for Life Part Two

Hey all!

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written anything. I have been struggling with being back home, there are a lot of things I have not fully dealt with, so let me tell you about what has happened in the past year or so since I last wrote something.

I am back from DC. I don’t know how to incorporate that into my story, since only one person in my life here was able to visit me, they never saw my world in DC. It was kind of like a dream in that I experienced a whole world, but no one was with me, except the women in my house. I still have trouble feeling it was real sometimes. I have been to therapy since I’ve been back, to deal with several things. I am still dealing with dynamics within the house that created tensions and lasting resentments and I’m still dealing with a relationship with a guy who wanted to be a woman and who was manipulative and a little emotionally abusive. So it’s been a rough year. I changed jobs, and I’m still trying to figure out what I actually want to do. I’m dating someone new, someone I’ve been friends with for four years, and some days it’s good and sometimes it’s bad, but he’s a sweetheart.

I’m currently working in retail, with several people who are 19 and 20. There’s one person who’s only goal is to pay off his car, and he’s perfectly fine working 30 hours a week to do it. As someone who is trying to figure out what I want to do in my life, since retail is NOT my dream job, working with people who have little to no ambition is really weird to me. How am I supposed to figure out what I want to do in the world when there are so many possibilities and I only have certain skills? I really don’t know the answer to this question, but I know I don’t want to work retail, so that’s a small start.

A friend recently sent me a quote about finding someone who tastes like adventure, but I want to be someone who tastes like adventure, and I think there’s where I’ll start. I’m thinking about taking an intro boxing class, so I’ll keep you all posted!

Always,

-M

P.S. I’m extremely disappointed that I didn’t have Trick or Treaters this year, because they’re all so cute in their little costumes!

Scarred for Life

Generally when I hear the words, “scarred for life”, I think of something embarrassing or gross that happened, such as when my parents do something weird around my friends or when I say something completely idiotic to someone, but after a year of living in Washington, DC and preparing to go back to the small town where I grew up, those words take on an entirely new meaning.

I’ve been working this year at a soup kitchen of sorts, but I do stuff on the case management side so I’m interacting with those experiencing homelessness that we serve, and it completely exhausts me. I am not built for direct practice, I’m that awkward person who has a hard time knowing exactly what to say, especially when it comes to telling people older than me what might be best for them. I’ve never experienced homelessness, I’ve never applied to countless jobs only to be turned down because they found out I’m not housed, I haven’t even ever rented an apartment, how am I supposed to tell them what should be happening in their life? I don’t know. I know they can exercise self determination and really it’s up to them, but if they’re suffering from mental illness or experiencing something else limiting their cognitive ability, there’s not much I can do except to try and connect them to another agency, if they’re willing to go and actually understand what I’m telling them. It’s hard to live in the capital of the United States of America, what some people would call the greatest country in the world, and see so many people affected by homelessness and poverty.

Why is this happening and how can I find my niche in which to fix the issue I am most called to?

I am also working at a Presbyterian Church that houses the social services agency I work at, though not nearly as much. My duties there consist mostly of going to church and being actively involved with the community by working with young adults (they’re still all older than me), college kids, soccer games, and whatever else comes up that draws me in. I am so inspired and touched by everyone at that church and it breaks my heart to be leaving them in two months. The church is full of amazing women pastors and leaders and it’s amazing, everyone there is somehow involved in the church ministry, and they have all shown me just a glimmer of the potential the church has in changing the world for the better and for everyone, not just the rich, white elite. They’ve also completely changed my view of God and what she, or he, may have in mind for my life, as well as those around me that I interact with on a daily basis.

How do I incorporate my faith into what I will ultimately end up doing?

The hardest part of leaving DC will be leaving the amazing women I have shared this year long experience with. We’ve been through a lot of tears, a lot of heartache, and so so so many nights filled with laughter and sisterhood. I know by living with them it’s been kind of a forced friendship, but we’re here and we’re bonded and it’s going to hurt like hell to break that bond. I’ve learned a lot from living with people, such as I need my own room, and I’m less of a control freak than I thought (but I still want all the doors locked when I go to bed), and I’ve also learned that our bodies, minds, and souls are wholly connected and one or another does not need to be oppressed, I’ve learned that gentle spirits can also be intensely and hilariously feisty, I’ve learned that it’s hard to eat vegan and I still think it’s unfathomable for my life, but I respect the hell out of that decision if made for the right reasons, I’ve learned that strong, sarcastic women are hilarious and incredibly deep, I’ve learned that it’s hard to make decisions, but people will love you no matter what you decide, I’ve learned how to be strong and I’ve learned how to be weak. The one thing I haven’t learned is how to cope with leaving.

How do I go back to what was and how do I carve out my path?

While I’ve only been here for a year and that is merely a scratch on the surface of  my twenty-two years on this earth so far, the scars will last forever, the scars of good times and the scars of bad times, and I’m incredibly thankful to have all of them.

Always,

-M

P.S. Pineapples were awesome before, but now they have a special place in my heart and will always remind me of this year.